What Is Love?

 

“I love you.” It is a very simple statement with a very profound meaning. It can be romantic; I want to grow old with you. It can say, I care about you in a non-romantic way. It can mean you matter. It can mean, we are family. It can also mean, no matter what I will stand alongside you. All of this is love and so much more. Apparently, we don’t say it enough.

We will all need love in different forms throughout our lives. When my mother died, I was as prepared for her death as best as one could be. I attended her funeral, spoke at the viewing and carried her casket. This is my duty. When Mother’s Day arrived this year I found myself grieving. You see, I was born on Mother’s Day in 1963 and this year, 2019, was Mother’s Day and my birthday. But I had no one to call. She wasn’t there anymore. This Mother’s Day was very different; I stayed busy as much as possible and tried not to think. Someday I hope Mother’s Day will be special again. You will never realize how alone you are in this world until your mother is no more. And you never realize how deep that love runs until she is gone.

There is the love that only a lover can give you. It is very special. It will make you feel alive, special, free, and yet so close. It is that breathless kiss and moments afterwards that you will covet. We all need it and can’t wait to experience it again. Yet our society has cheapened it into nothing more than physical exercise. And so our quest for love has only deepened.

Why do I say that we aren’t saying it enough? The millennial generation. It is deemed, by many research studies, to be the loneliest of all generations. This is the generation, again that the research indicates, was the raised by well-meaning and ill-advised parents with the goal of making their children happy. Somewhere along the way the train ran off the tracks. Social media is booming with posts by the billions per day yet so many are suffering from depression, have no meaningful relationships, and seem to be drowning in a sea of loneliness while surrounded by so many. What has cause this? If their parents did everything they could to make their children happy surely they offered great expressions of love. But…… was there accountability?

There is no love where there is no consequences for violating that love. A man who is unfaithful will never respect his woman if she allows him to trample her. The child who openly defies his parents and suffers no consequences will not respect his parents. I have witnessed both. Respect means obedience, faithfulness, attentiveness and consideration. Accountability is the consequence of violating love. It must be firm and delivered with dispatch.

My life has been a great adventure. If I had to choose one word to describe it would be relationships. In essence I have spent my life creating, nurturing, encouraging relationships with mostly young adults. Once we get past the awkward stage of who we are and what’s my angle I make sure they know that they matter. A long time ago I learned, “Those who look for the bad in people will surely find it.” Abraham Lincoln taught me this and if you look at this statement you will realize that just as this quote is true so is the inverse of this statement. Thus I have spent my life looking for the good in all the young adults I have crossed paths with. I have always found the good in each. I have always held them accountable for violating the standards of our friendship and I have loved unconditionally. All of us seek affirmation, acceptance and love. Make sure you tell those you cherish that you love them. I always tell my young friends that I love them. Indeed it matters to them and to me. Yes my life has been a great adventure. It has been full of good times and bad times, but mostly it has been full of love. So go tell someone today.

Wedding Bells

The end of the wedding day may mark the end of the event, but it truly marks the beginning of a new life, a new adventure and a new future. All this being said, it requires a lot of hard work. If more of my friends had approached their marriages with the same fervor that they approached making their wedding day perfect, there would be less broken homes.

Is it possible that we are placing our priorities in the wrong areas? Is it possible that our view of marriage places too much emphasis on the wedding day? The other day I saw a quote that said something along these lines, “Stop trying to keep up with the Jones’s; they’re broke.” I must ask myself how many marriages start off in debt due to their extravagant wedding? Successful marriages learn early on understand that bliss will come and go, what will remain a constant is the hard work of being in a loving committed relationship.

The Employee Void

“Too many of the young adults who seek employment with me want to show up, go through the motions and get paid,” an experienced business owner shared with me. He was very frustrated that although he had work available the majority of his prospective applicants had no intention of actually doing any work. He had run into this time and time again.

That conversation led to this article. For the past month or so I have polling business owners, supervisors and former business owners asking for their comments to one simple question, “What skill do you find most lacking in the potential employees you meet?” I had nearly 100 responses from a variety of sources. The results are very troubling.

The top issues noted are lack of critical thinking skills, lack knowledge of the trade, lack of passion for their trade and lack of work ethic. Out of these four only one is technical knowledge; the rest are soft skills that are transferable to any other job and high useful in their day to day life. The rest of the list encompassed thirteen other undesirable qualities and all of them are soft skills.

Critical thinking skills are those qualities that tell you to hand a knife cautiously, or tell you not to grind stone near the clients car, or how about the kid who didn’t know the difference between wetting the floor and actually mopping it. Unfortunately too many workers especially those with substandard education do not engage their work. They merely complete tasks without thinking of the end goal.

Knowledge in the trade means just that. If you say you are cook you should know about cooking. The same goes for any other trade. One supervisor shared this with me, “candidates aren’t willing to put in the time to learn their trade, but they demand the high pay.”

Those who listed a lack of passion for their trade explained that too many people are looking for a job without really knowing what they are looking for or why. Too many aren’t willing to learn their trade because their heart isn’t in it. Imagine if your doctor had this attitude. Work conversations should be more about work related matters and not gossip.

The biggest flaw, by far, is lack of work ethic. Unfortunately I have witnessed this all to often, not just in the workplace. Many of the young people I have mentored have failed to work hard in school, on an athletic team and once they hit the workforce the problem continues. Except that now they have entered the adult world and second chances are few.

Many of the young people I have mentored have had all the answers for their behavior. The most frequent excuse is “they ain’t paying me enough.” I have taken my time to patiently explain that in the world of grown ups we have to earn our keep by producing enough revenue to merit a raise. No one gives a raise simply because you need it. However, most of my explanations have fallen on deaf ears or another excuse has surfaced.

“Too many young people are not future focused. They do not understand that the pace of change will never be slower than it was today.” A business owner shared this statement with me. He is correct. There are too many young adults who do not understand how life works. So who is to blame? Is it the parenting they received or the lack of parenting? The biggest influence in the life of all human beings is their parents. Let’s start there. Many of the young men I have mentored do not have the understanding of the world, ways of the world and what is required to live their dreams. They merely exist. They enter the workforce with little understanding of what it is to build a career and plan for the future. They are like pinballs in the workforce. It is easy o say that they need to get a clue, but it is difficult to change the culture they were raised with and morph it into something they don’t understand and therefore doubt. The answers lie in one-on-one guidance of a trusted friend.

The Role Model

Parents are always role models. You are a generation ahead of your offspring and therefore are always in the next phase of life. However, it is important that you behave your age and fulfill your role properly.

The age of your children is irrelevant. They will always look up to you. You don’t have to know everything about present day technology. It is your wisdom they seek. Whether you are a good or a bad role model is your choice.

Passive Parenting and Teens

Passive parenting rarely produces teenagers who are problem solvers. When it does it was accidental. If anything, passive parenting serves to produce teens who feel that they are entitled to get their way. These are the youngsters who will behave as if they know more than their boss who happens to have years of experience.

In my experience, I have witnessed this scenario play out dozens of times. The teen openly defies the boss, is fired or reprimanded, but still fails to understand his or her place in the great scheme of things. They go home, complain to their passive parent, who in turn does not set them straight with some actual parenting. Instead this weak parent will call the boss to try to smooth things over for their offspring.

Communication & Relationships

Communication is the most vital part of a relationship. Bad communication is better than none at all and yet many relationships do not work at communicating. Sometimes we behave as if we can put our relationship on autopilot and we will live in bliss with no effort. There is no such thing as auto pilot when it comes to relationship.

Most every relationship that is experiencing problems began with a breakdown in communication. It requires work, real work, to communicate effectively. The biggest problem we create is we believe that all the sweet talk we do at the beginning of a relationship is the norm. It isn’t. We are simply flirting or getting to know each other, finding common ground. Yes it feels good, but most of the time that sort of conversation is shallow.

Self image & our mate

Our selection of a significant other, to a degree, reflects our self image. Some of the teens and young adults I have mentored continue to choose the same sort of people that they just broke up with. The values of the new boyfriend or girlfriend is no different than the last ones. And what do they have in common? My young mentees share these same values with their significant other. Surprised?

Many times I have asked about their situation and heard the disappointment in their voices at the way they are treated, again. Some have even justified the abuse they receive. One young lady told she deserves to be hit by her boyfriend. No human being deserves abuse, but until a person values themselves this will continue. True change begins with self, first.

 

Death of a Friend

“Mr. Augie they killed him!” the voice on the phone nearly shouted. It was “Bill” and he was crying. His best friend, a young man I had mentored, “Charlie,” had been murdered. He was gunned down by rivals. I always knew that this was a possibility, but I had never prepared for the moment. It was here and it left me feeling desperate, helpless .

The death of a teen, especially to violence, will never make sense to the rational mind. The next few days were a blur as I tried to go on with my life through my tears and darkness. He was 16 years old. That’s all. He had not started to live yet. All the memories of our conversations, our letters when he was in prison and our outings flooded my thoughts.

Even though time has moved on now and I have accepted his death, the memories of that day are still painful.

Mentoring Mistakes: Surrogate

A mentor is not a surrogate parent. Although this should be obvious I have met mentors who somehow, along the way begin to behave as if they are the parent, although they are one with no authority. When the mentor arrives at this conclusion they have left their moorings as a mentor and are embarking on a new journey. Don’t mix the two.

There are several reasons why this line should not be crossed. The most important of which is that a child no matter how badly he has had it, will always love and desire to have his own parent’s, not a surrogate. The greatest strength of a mentor is that no matter what happens the mentor continues to be involved in the life of his mentee.

Understand Their Values

At the heart of an at-risk youth is their value system. In order to help them you will need to understand that value system. Does this mean you will agree with their system of values? No. In the past 28-years have heard it all. I have been told, by a young lady, why it was okay to take a beating from her boyfriend, I have been told why it is okay to sell drugs, why hitting back (retaliation attack) is important, why laws don’t apply in their hood, etc, etc, etc.

If you do not take the time to learn what your mentee’s value system is do not deceive yourself into thinking you will be able to influence them. In order to understand someone’s value system you must invest time and sincerity into your relationship with them. If you fail to do this you will be branded a fake. You will lose respect and with that you will never earn the right to be heard.