Passive parenting rarely produces teenagers who are problem solvers. When it does it was accidental. If anything, passive parenting serves to produce teens who feel that they are entitled to get their way. These are the youngsters who will behave as if they know more than their boss who happens to have years of experience.
In my experience, I have witnessed this scenario play out dozens of times. The teen openly defies the boss, is fired or reprimanded, but still fails to understand his or her place in the great scheme of things. They go home, complain to their passive parent, who in turn does not set them straight with some actual parenting. Instead this weak parent will call the boss to try to smooth things over for their offspring.
There is no such thing as an expert on youth. Youth culture is dynamic and therefore shifts continuously. It is always troubling to meet someone who presents themselves as an expert in youth, or makes a claims to know everything there is to know about youth. I much prefer the person who is asking questions, absorbing feedback, reading and opining.
Youth culture continuously shifts, it changes, it is dynamic. The most popular art form with youth culture continues to be music, however reading has also gained great strength; just ask our friend Harry Potter. Rap music has also produced a new and unique brand of poetry and poems. All of this has happened within youth culture. The best we can hope to accomplish in terms of expertise is to be dedicated students of youth culture.
A day in court can emphasize the need to have purpose in your life. For many of my middle class friends the idea that one needs to have purpose in one’s life is a no-brainer. It’s one of those statements that will be met with a sarcastic remark. Something along the lines of, “no kidding,” or worse.
This is not the case for many of the young men and young women I have seen in court. Far too many live in state of stunted animation. There is no planning for a better tomorrow. What comes along, comes along. For many that something is idle time, which indeed is the devil’s workshop. Even if there are thoughts of a goal there is no hurry. Entertainment is king and so goals can wait.
The day of court can be like the drunk who is about to be sick, he is full of regret and false promises. Unfortunately, if I was wrong, the recidivism rates of repeat offenders would be much lower, but they aren’t. I have been in court numerous times in my life alongside young men I mentor. Most have been repentant in those moments, but the lesson has really not taken root.
There have been a few who have learned their lesson and have never gone back to the friends or activities which landed them in court. In order to make this change there has to be a powerful motivating force. This force must create a need to examine his values and make changes accordingly. When I hear a kid say “I’m gonna be good,” I know we’re doomed to repeat this cycle soon. “Good” must be defined.
Communication is the most vital part of a relationship. Bad communication is better than none at all and yet many relationships do not work at communicating. Sometimes we behave as if we can put our relationship on autopilot and we will live in bliss with no effort. There is no such thing as auto pilot when it comes to relationship.
Most every relationship that is experiencing problems began with a breakdown in communication. It requires work, real work, to communicate effectively. The biggest problem we create is we believe that all the sweet talk we do at the beginning of a relationship is the norm. It isn’t. We are simply flirting or getting to know each other, finding common ground. Yes it feels good, but most of the time that sort of conversation is shallow.
Our selection of a significant other, to a degree, reflects our self image. Some of the teens and young adults I have mentored continue to choose the same sort of people that they just broke up with. The values of the new boyfriend or girlfriend is no different than the last ones. And what do they have in common? My young mentees share these same values with their significant other. Surprised?
Many times I have asked about their situation and heard the disappointment in their voices at the way they are treated, again. Some have even justified the abuse they receive. One young lady told she deserves to be hit by her boyfriend. No human being deserves abuse, but until a person values themselves this will continue. True change begins with self, first.
“Mr. Augie they killed him!” the voice on the phone nearly shouted. It was “Bill” and he was crying. His best friend, a young man I had mentored, “Charlie,” had been murdered. He was gunned down by rivals. I always knew that this was a possibility, but I had never prepared for the moment. It was here and it left me feeling desperate, helpless .
The death of a teen, especially to violence, will never make sense to the rational mind. The next few days were a blur as I tried to go on with my life through my tears and darkness. He was 16 years old. That’s all. He had not started to live yet. All the memories of our conversations, our letters when he was in prison and our outings flooded my thoughts.
Even though time has moved on now and I have accepted his death, the memories of that day are still painful.